This Is The Most Public of My Many Humiliations

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angeloisking-At-hotmail.com

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I've spend another night in, what is happening to me? What has happened to the fun loving drunk party machine?



Its just like I woke up one day and I had aged 10 years.
I feel like a bitter old man, mad at the world and everything in it. I cant have any fun because it distracts me from how bitter I am.
I used to not have a care in the world, I felt like I had total control of my life and what I was doing, like nothing could bring me down. Then one day I realized that I was not invincible, I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I do now feel the effect that it is having on my life.
I need to be better in this game, I need to stop with the bad, and fill up on some good for a bit. I am off drugs, and I love my life off them, but sometimes, in the back of my mind, it scratches at me, talking to me, tempting me, but, I fight that feeling. Fight it like it hit my mother. I will not be sucked into that spiral of nothing ever again. I am trying not to drink as much either, I find it now a disgusting habit, makes u stink, puke and cause unnecessary trouble.
Im so confused and stuck in a rut right now, I hope I have hit bottom.
There are very few things that make me happy in this world.
and it seems day by day, there are less and less of these things around to keep the smile on my face.
Only I have control of my life, and I have to learn how to now make the most of what I am feeling right now.
I don't know what I need to do, but I have to do it fast, whenever I think about this my stomach does somersaults, and I get very anxious, but what am I so afraid of, it is just my life, its not someone else's, I have control.

killed softly at 6/29/2004 11:51:00 PM
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