This Is The Most Public of My Many Humiliations
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Why is it that when everything u think is going to shit, then boom, u find internal happiness. Don't get me wrong here, i am glad i am feeling better. Not 100%. But i was really getting used to feeling like shit. Things seem to be going in the right way for me tonite, old friends must have telepathically felt my pain and come through, had a great convo with my friend in china fucking right dude! Any one want some LV, and Gucci purses and wallets?. The past few months were like mega karma payback. I live by karma, cant mess with that stuff, honestly its a true thing, thank zen Buddhism.i am remembering my dreams, they are fucking vivid, i guess that has to do with them only being nightmares.
you see i used to remember all my dreams when i was a kid, but they were almost always nightmares, i would situp and talk in my sleep and shit. If i was my parents i would have thought that i was possessed.
but ne way back to the dream thing. soo all the dreams i had were nightmares, and it really started to fuck with me, it made me very anxious at a very early age, and most of them were the same dream over and over, damn vampires trying to kill my brother, in my head i can still see those fuckers, damn them. fucking 7 year old anxiety case.
but then one day, after i got my tonsils out, not the day of. i find it hard to remember things that far back, so i just associate it with something that big that happened around the same time.
So suddenly no more nightmares, i become a terror case, a bad kid, always talking blah blah blah, was not so withdrawn from the other children.
it was different growing up as me.
My parents were both, um, 'new' to parenting, and were both real estate agents, i swear after my first day of school, it felt like we were moving everyother week, like there was not even a point in unpacking. i am 22 years old and have moved 23 times. That is fucked, and the house i am in now i have lived at since i was 12. i have left and come back here a few times.
I get so fucking side tracked i wonder how hard this is to follow, are u all still with me?
so moving as much as i did, i became good at making friends, but it always sucked cause i knew they would never last, i don t have any friends that i can say i have known my whole life, i cant even say for half of my life. So i have never once felt awkward, in social situations where i don't know anyone. I can walk into a room and make it a point to meet every person in that room, and have them like before i am out the door. Even if i hit on half their girl friends, that's just how i roll.
True friends are hard to come by, and when u realize this, your life will become richer.
killed softly at 7/14/2004 11:15:00 PM
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