This Is The Most Public of My Many Humiliations

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Thursday, September 16, 2004



have you ever woken up from a good nights sleep and found yourself crying? Well it happened to me this morning.



What a unproductive day, if it wasn't for school I don't think I would ever leave my house. Today was more stress then I needed.
Why cant things just be all cool, and chill like they used to be.


Photo by David White

Why do people play with others minds? Is it some sick perverse power trip? I really don't fucking understand.
IM not really depressed, I figured that out today. I am just really bitter and jaded that the past year has been a complete and total waste of time, energy, and emotion.



Im so mad right now, I am seeing red. I have not lost it on anyone today. Yet. Im not going to go out this evening, for reasons of complete fear, fear I might do something dumb. I have so much pent up anger, and I take it out on people who totally don't deserve it, people who do nothing but try to make me happy. But all it takes is one little insignificant thing to totally reverse the good mood I am in. Then I become cold, withdrawn and bitter. Its no ones fault that I feel this way, I wish I could just understand why I am like this. What did I do in my past life to be cursed with this.... curse? I wish I could understand why people change so fucking quickly.
This has become far to bitter of a post. Um.... Rainbow?
I am going to start to play piano again tonite. I am so out of practice, but I know I will still be able to tickle the ivories, I am going to finish writing the song I started 5 months ago, I was going to be a present for someone. Now I am just going to write it for myself.
I had just got used to being alone, finally almost happy with it, solitude is great, but having some one is also amazing, I just have to get used to being with someone who is actually nice to me, someone who is level headed and doesn't have ulterior motives.
Survior starts tonite, and i wonder if i will enjoy it as much as i did last season.
probably not.

killed softly at 9/16/2004 06:52:00 PM
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