This Is The Most Public of My Many Humiliations

Monday, December 20, 2004

A Lovers Guide for First Timers
By Ber

Finding that special someone to hold your sweaty hand while you walk down the street or calm you down when you've done too many drugs can be a magical thing. Love though, as fantabulous as it can be, is an angry bitch and not in the way your sweet girlfriend became an angry bitch that time she caught you playing hide the salami with the neighbor-girl. Maintaining a solid and fulfilling relationship is hard because there are always bumps along the way. It's all in how you deal with these bumps which determines whether your relationship will become stronger, or if you should start thinking of ways to believably deny the rumors your soon-to-be ex will spread about your less than Christian bedroom behaviour.
Here are some common problems encountered by people who, for some reason I'll never understand, choose to have actual relationships with other people instead of randomly screwing friends and co-workers without the slightest desire to date them.

CHEATING
Considered to be one of the worst things you can do in a relationship even though everyone does it at least a couple times in their lives. For years soulless advertising executives have been trying to bottle whatever hormone it is that makes us think that one hot night of forbidden fucking is worth begging for forgiveness like poor cancer patients in the US beg for treatment.
Most people will tell you to dump a cheater immediately, but that's like giving away your dog after he pees on your rug for the first time. What you really want to do is teach that bitch a lesson. There are many different ways to make a cheater feel even worse than they already do, assuming of course they do feel badly and you're not dating a robot. For example, telling them you don't think you could ever trust them again and then having them buy you lots of sparkly gifts out of guilt is great, as is sleeping with all their friends. However, if you really want to make them regret their deed simply start freaking out and tell them you heard whatever skank they got it on with definitely has AIDS. The test for AIDS can't be done for about 3 months after sleeping with someone and for guys at least, it’s a little less painful then getting burned alive. Then buy yourself two cookies. You deserve at least two after what you've been through.

INSECURITY
Your significant other loves to pretend that insecurity is a terrible trait, but you're too sly to fall for that. If you don't act concerned about where they went, who they talked to and whether or not they think that feisty cashier at AUS SNAX is hot, how will they know you care?
GIRLS - to show your devotion to even the minutest of details asks 100s of questions about everything your boyfriend does outside of your presence. Cry hysterically if he seems annoyed and accuse him of not loving you.
GUYS - no one can resist a bad boy so beating people up for looking at your girl is key. Plus, women can't be trusted and need a reminder of what will happen if they ever leave you. The way to make your lover feel like the special lady she is is to view every potentially sexual act as a threat, even if it’s just a hug. Hey, if her 80 year old grandma can't take it she shouldn't be dishing it out.

ARGUING ALL THE TIME
There comes a point in every relationship where things your significant other does, things that wouldn't bother you if done by anyone else, makes you want to kill them. For those of you who didn't know, killing is illegal in this country, and excuses like that they told really lame jokes all the time or sorta hit on your best friend while drunk just won't cut it. An alternative to murder is necessary.
It's a commonly held belief that animals learn best through positive and negative reinforcement. If your lover insists on calling you 'snoopy poo' in public simply dump your ashtray on their pillow. Girlfriend gossips too much about your love life? Steal her diary and hand out photocopied exerts on the Arts steps. Boyfriend thinks making farting noises is hilariously funny? Cut the break line in his Buick. It's all about give and take.

SEX
Bad sex life? HAHAHAHAHA......Sorry. Guys, while rich girls are always hot and, well, rich, they have never had to be good in bed. So it's very likely that she will just lie limp, or multi-task and catalog shop. For a good quick fix tell them about the insane wild sex you and your middle class ex used to have. She'll never allow herself to be outdone by a 'normie'. Girls, cheat on your small dick boyfriends. You're going to anyway, drop the bullshit.

GROWING APART/BOREDOM
You used to spend every Saturday night playing Scrabble together and now he's into pictionary. Who is this person? You start to wonder. Of course you're talking to yourself here since you're a nerd who plays Scrabble every Saturday night. Nevertheless, feeling like you've grown apart or are getting bored of your partner is a serious problem in long term relationships.
Solution: it's time to break up. Sorry but seriously, who wants to be with someone boring? Dump them before they dump you and get the upper hand by telling everyone you loved your ex but realized there's more out there and you have to find it. Then stuff your pockets full of rubbers and see if you can't make some new friends, or get some grades raised, until you get bored and want a moldable pet again.

Speaking from experience, these rules must be followed strictly and accurately because, quite frankly, they work. Try them out on the AUS cashier with short hair. She's got a good track recorded and is now, offically, vd free.

Originally Published in The Red Herring

killed softly at 12/20/2004 02:33:00 PM

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.